It makes a difference
by Koenz
Summary: Every night I go to her tent to check if she is okay. Tonight is different.
1. Chapter 1

"Who is there?" I smiled faintly. She knew I'd promised to come and see here. She was on edge. I might not be a wiz with people, but I could hear when I was in trouble. "Put that knife back, you might need it later. It's me." I could hear her hesitate, I was pretty sure she had figured out who I was. That was why I was taken aback by her response "I'm not putting this knife anywhere except for through your head unless you tell me who you are."

She was really on edge, more than she usually is. But what is there to expect? These are The Games after all. Just for some reason my mind went: Let's push it a bit further. And before I could really think of what I was doing I said: "Oh really?" I could have expected that she'd snap back at me. "Yes. Really."

"Don't be ridiculous. You're not going to kill your own district partner." I could practically hear her roll her eyes at me. "I am not being ridiculous! It's just you. Yes, you can come in." I zip down the front of the tent and crawled in. She is the only girl left so she has her own tent. I did not agree with it at first. I would have preferred out guarding space being as small as possible. But she insisted on it, so I did not argue.

"Why did you even have to ask who I was? You knew I would be coming." She looked at me annoyed and snapped "It's called. Being cautious." "Right" I said with the smile still lingering on my lips. I sat down opposite of her on the sleeping bag that had not been occupied since both of the other girls had died. "I am! Don't push it!." She exclaimed. "I did not mock you. I only said 'right'." She glared at me for a moment and then dismissed it. "Sorry." I mumbled. "No I am not sorry for snapping at you." Like she had to tell me that. "I lost a knife and I am on edge because of it." that explained a lot. "You know how protective I am of them."

I knew that. It was one of the things in our training. Your number one priority is your weapon. You did not lose it or have it taken. If that happened in training there would be a punishment attached to it. We were in the Games now. There was no one to make us do laps or extra training hours. It was rooted deep. It became part of our instincts.

"And you think the ginger stole it?" She looked at me as if I was stupid, well maybe I am. "No, I don't care about that!" She did, I knew that. She had told me to be extra careful with her. "Okay, we'll go looking for it in the morning." she nodded. "I wasn't sure if you would come." This seemed to come out of nowhere. "Of course I was. I promised you I'd come, right?" She nodded. "But these are the games. I wasn't sure." Was she really worrying about me? That was not like her at all. "As long as I have you to watch my back, I'll be okay. So don't worry about me." I told her.

It was true, I would not have lasted this long if I did not have her with me. It made me feel more secure. I did not have to turn and look over my shoulder every time. We protected each other for as long as we could. That was part of being a career as well. You could count on someone to watch your back as long as there were others to hunt down.

Clove and I just went one step further. We had known each other since we where young. We where friends. Though she meant far more to me than just a friend. I had never told her and now I never will, because one of us is going to die in here. I had decided that it would be me. That she should get the shot at life. I didn't want it.

"I know. I just wasn't sure if promises meant anything anymore." She told me. So that was it. She thought I'd just abandon our friendship, because we where in the arena together. "I thought you didn't need me to watch your back?" She added with a smirk. "Promises always mean something as long as I am promising them to you. And yes, I feel better with you watching my back. I don't specifically need it, but it is preferable." I liked how my answer sounded, it just sounded right.

"Preferable? You mean you realized you wouldn't last a day without me?" Ouch that was mean, but I have gotten used to her sense of humor and respond well naturally: "Hey, we are in the Games. This might be my last chance to sound smart. No, I'd last at least two days." "You would not! Everyone knows you are going to win this." They do? Because I am not so sure. Next to that. By saying this, she is saying she already accepted her own death. She can't say that. "Me? Yeah right." I laugh and add "I'll eat my shoes if not at least half is betting on you." I want to add that it would be what I would do.

"Yes. You are. Even back home they favor you. I'm just the one with the knives." Wrong. I think. She has got it the other way around. Most favor her back in the district. Not just in training, but the boys favor her over a lot of the other girls as well. Me on the other hand. They deal with me, some of the trainers seem to be pleased with me. Nothing more than being pleased with the results I bring. "Well I do have the looks." Despite all that I run my hand through my hair and wink at her. "But you are the one with the skills though."

Finally I get a reaction that I can understand, not like a lot of the others she's been giving me. She rolls her eyes and smirks. "It's true, I am stronger than you are." In many ways she is. "At least you know it." I confirm. When I think of it, I haven't really been giving straight answers either. "Like you don't know I could take you any day." Was she messing with me or is she being serious? I don't know if she could. I never tried, never will either. She might have tricked me into fighting her if we would have been in training and there was nothing to worry about. This just wasn't the time and place for it.

"I know, you never let me forget it." That is true too. She loves to remind me that she could fight me, and win, any day. "I have to. You'll be even more arrogant if I didn't." At this I pout at her "I'm not arrogant." Crossing my arms over my chest I add "Most of the time." Again she rolls her eyes and grins at me. "No of course you are not arrogant. Not at all." She says in a mock tone. "What does that have to mean?"

I am not arrogant. Not really at least. I know what I am capable of and that is it. You won't find me bragging about it. Because I am not that proud of it. I am not proud of the fact that the only thing I really know how to do is kill. I much rather have a useful skill, but in District Two it is one of the best skills to have. It can win you the games, it can win you a life of ease. A life where you don't need to worry about going into bricks or do you commit to be a Peacekeeper for the rest of your life. If you are going to build things or make sure things go like the Capitol want them to go. I never really had that choice. It has always been the Games for me. Either I win and have a comfortable life or I die. Simple as can be. You'd think.

"Don't pretend you're not arrogant. Or that you don't know that almost all the girls love you." All the girls love me? She has to be messing with me. Because that has to be the biggest lie I have heard yet. Or is it? "Love me? Sure thing." I try to laugh it off, but she still looks at me seriously. She cannot be right. "Most don't even like me." Now I am on the defense. Why am I on the defense about this. I know that most dislike me or are even scared of me. Even she knows that. "Right. Of course not." That mocking tone of hers again.

This time I raise an eyebrow and ask for an explanation. It just seems so ridiculous to me. Who would be in love with me? Especially from just a look. Little people know me, really. I do not like to mingle with other people. I stick to training. That is all there is to my life. I wake up, go to school, go to training, shower and go to sleep. Naturally I eat in between that, but that is all. The only person I really talk to is Clove. She must know that too. There is no chance girls like me just because of my looks. I'm not ugly, but I do not see myself as good looking. Not if you compare me to other guys in the district.

Back in District Two you have three types of guys and a couple acceptations.

You have the guys that do train and use that to attract girls. They mostly spent double the time I need in the locker room. Those guys know they are good looking and use it.

Then you have guys that do not train at all. Either because they don't want to or they are not allowed to. Some parents say no to the training and those boys are not as muscled as the first group. Also, these boys are normally from better families.

Third you have guys that train and try to live a normal life next to that. They do their best at school, hang out with friends. They try to not stand out to much and rarely volunteer, but most of them are good sports.

I am none of those three, but then again the exception only confirms the rule. There are very little guys that do it like me. I don't really have a life next to the mandatory parts. I am mostly the first at school and the last to leave training. I have a lot of extra training hours, but not for the reasons a lot of people think. I was not thrilled to hear I had to volunteer. I would have been just as happy not to go into the Games,. I just knew that was where whole my life was heading. I saw it coming before they even considered me as volunteer. But since I had to go I thought I'd make the best of it. Be pleased that I finally have a purposes, something to work up to.

"It's true though, most avoid me. They don't even look at me!" My voice raises in disbelieve. She can't mean this. "And that is why?" She asks like talking to a toddler or a simple person. "Because they hate me." I say, my voice going up in the end, making it sound like a question rather than an answer. "Right?" I add uncertainly. "No, not right." She corrects me. I utter a sound of surprise, because really I am surprised. I was not expecting her to say that. I was expecting a jibe of some sort. I gave her a big opening, she could have easily done it.

Now she hasn't insulted me, yet. This does make me worry. She might be serious about it. What do I say then? That I am not interested in the girl back in the district? That I really didn't even want to know it. All that would probably need extra information. Information I can't give her or better won't give her.

"So why do they avoid me?" I finally ask when she really isn't giving me anything. Shaking her head like I am missing something really obvious she says: "They all either think you're hot, are scared of you or are so madly in love with you they can't bare to even look you in the eye." Here it is again. This just makes me want to tell her that I am not that good looking or girls like me. I simply refuse to believe her. "Okay I can get the scared, I guess. But the rest, nah. You got it wrong."

Now I'll get the explanation that I need. She just can't stand to be wrong, now she'll proof she isn't and I'll know where she got it from. Nice move. I compliment myself mentally. "Oh really? I don't think so. Just because none of the other girls like me doesn't mean I don't hear them talking. And talk they do." So it is first hand information, great. Now I am sure she is right. I just don't want her to be. Before she can ask me about how this new feed effects me and I have to start explaining, since I am a terrible liar, I change the subject.

"That's because they envy you." Even I know this. There are a lot of girls that like to be her or have her talent. Even I have wished to be as talented as she is. I haven't seen any girl with a specialty that is comparable of skill. She really has no idea how good she actually is.

"I know. It's envy or fear. I don't care, I don't need friends." This takes me aback. She doesn't need any friends. That is good to know. I just can't help myself asking "You don't need friends?" "No, I don't need friends." I swallow back a lot of words, things I want to say and ask about this. Most of it disappears, but not all. One question passes my lips. Probably the most important one. "Not even me?"

Can I just smack myself for asking that. It was the stupidest thing I could have asked. Any of the other questions would have sounded better. Less desperate, but no this had to be the one to manages to get out. I open my mouth to reclaim the words. To tell her to forget it and make a run for it. Just before I can say anything she answers. Yet another cryptic answer. "You're different." Different? I have to think about that. Do I like it? Is different a positive thing in this case? My mind seems made up before I really ask myself. "Different? I like different. Is that good?" I say before I really had thought it through. "Yeah. Different and good. At least if we are friends. Are we?"

Why does nothing here make sense? Not even her while I've known her the longest and I thought I finally knew a bit of how she thought. Well I was wrong. I did not really know her at all or these answers would not seem so strange. "I hope so." I say. Even I am being cryptic. It must be the arena. I would have just said yes if I wouldn't have been here.

"A yes or no would be nice. If you don't want to be, then say." This means I am not the only one noticing the strange answers. But she is already irritated by them. Have I really not given any straight answers? I thought I have given more than enough of those. Like now. "Yes, I still want us to be friends. Like we used to be." This is probably the best answer I could have given in this case.

Just before we arrived in the Capitol we said we would not be friends anymore, because it would only be harder on us. By that time I was already saying my goodbyes to her. Either of us has to die in order to anyone of us to go back. I would either watch her die or die myself or maybe even both. I just really hoped not.

"Good. I like being your friend." she states matter of faculty. "And I like you." A smile spreads over my face. This is the closest I'd come to telling her. It is the best I can do and it feels good. The best thing about this is. It is not enough to tick her off. "Well obviously, or we wouldn't be friends." She laughs "Guess what? I like you too." How do you respond to that? As usual I go for: Not really and change subject.

"Good. But apparently I am not the only one who is oblivious." This catches her attention. "Oblivious?" I nod and smile at her, until she raises an eyebrow demanding further explanation. "That people like you. Especially boys." This makes her laugh as if I am joking. She just doesn't get it. I am being serious. How much I might dislike the fact I have to be. "No they don't." Always contradicting me. "Yes they do." Lovely Cato, now you started a discussion.

"I'm not a likeable person." How can someone be so unaware of how they are seen. Not that I can say I'm any better. This is one of the things we share. The outside world does not really exist to us. We live on a small island where we train and talk to each other and that is the only real contact with others we have. "No, you're right. Guy don't like you. They love you." This she shrugs off. "As I said I am not likeable."

This discussion is really starting to irritate me. She should know what the other boys think of her. If she goes home she must know there are enough options for her. "According to them you are lovable and some even say-" I swallow and wince at the next word. "doable." It is so vulgar, so discussing to me. I even hate uttering it. I am glad to see she is just as appalled by the term as I am. "Charming. But no I am not. Where did you even pick up that word?" "Locker room." I smile at her. "I'd enjoy killing every single one of them." My smile widens at this reaction.

"Stop smiling like that!" She shrieks and hits me. I rub the spot on my arm where she'd hit me, but don't stop smiling. "I'll hit you again if you don't stop that." At this, I try to smooth out my face, but fail miserably. Every time I stop smiling wide my mouth keeps tugging at the corners. "I'm giving you three more seconds to wipe that smile of your face or I'll really hit you." Great! This only makes me want to smile even more. "You know I'm not laughing at you, right?" Glaring at me she says: "Do I know that?"

"Well you should know that, because it is true." At that she raises an eyebrow "Are you sure about that?" So she really thought I'd be laughing at her for not knowing. "I am. Cross my heart." I draw a small cross over my heart. A gesture I haven't seen that much, but read about a lot. It is not something commonly used in District 2. But we don't swear on things, so if you really mean something. Really promise someone something we do that.

"Oh. I thought you were." She believes me, that is good. "No. It was something else." Stupid! Why did I say that? I've had far to many slips of the tongue today. I might give something away if I don't watch myself better. The worsted thing is, I don't care about that. I want her to know, I don't want to die or let her leave here without knowing all the cards. She has a right to know. But it won't do her any good, it won't help her in any way. The internal debate I've had ever since she got Reaped. She was not supposed to come here with me. She would volunteer next year if she could. Someone else should have volunteered for her, but she didn't. She just stood there and watched it all happen.

If I come back, she will regret never dieing in the Games as she should have done. I'll make sure of that. She will wish she'd never been born. I will never let her forget it.

"What were you thinking of then?" Here we go again. I should cut out my tongue, become an avox so I can't say to much all the time. "Well for one, I was expecting a joke along the lines of: Do you even have a heart?" It would not have been the first time she'd say something like that. Those jibes where normal to her. "I was thinking that, but I know you have one. It's just made of stone or ice." Well this at least means I got promotion. I now have a heart.

Still it stings. Having her think my heart is made of something hard and cold. That might be why I did it. How else can I explain my actions?


	2. Chapter 2

Before I knew it. I had grabbed her hand and held it to my heart. "Does ice do that?" I asked a bit harshly. I could see the shock in her eyes while her hand pulled out from underneath mine. "What was that for?" She practically yelled, making me feel guilty. I did not mean to make her feel uncomfortable. My eyes flitted away from her to nothing in particular. "Proof." I mumble back in response. That was all it had been. Me wanting to make her believe I was more human than she thought or said she was thinking. When she laughs it off I dared to look back again. She still has the look of shock, yet her laugh sounded genuine to me. "I thought you only did physical contact in battle." She retorted. Though in my mind it was one fuzzy mess, I responded fast and smoothly.

"You're different." The words she had used to describe me as well. "Different is good. I like different" she decided immediately. Had I been that fast to agree with that too? I doubted it. In spite of myself I smile at her. "Okay." I hesitate. What was I going to say? I did not know that yet. I had to listen well to myself. "That's okay." A very intelligent answer Cato. I could hit myself for this one. I thought I might just say something useful, something nice. Instead I stuck with a 'That's okay.' great.

"Okay?" she repeats the word like it is a question, like it was a strange answers. I would not know, was it strange? It was a stupid answer, that I knew. One of her eyebrows lifts expecting me to explain. The one thing I cannot do. "You've been acting very strange lately." She mused. Have I? That again is news to me. Had I slipped up more? Not just today and tipped her off for some reason? "You know I am bad with words or interaction in general." She nods as if it was very impressive that I made that observation myself. "No that is not it. You are acting strange."

"Everything is strange here. We're in the Games. I might be dead by morning." Again I focus on minor detail of the reason I might be acting strange. She was unconvinced "You won't be." She vowed. "No. Even for the games you are acting odd. Is something wrong?" She was going to keep me safe? That was not the plan, I was going to get her home. Whatever it took, she was going home alive. "I could be." I mumbled before answering her in a clear voice "No nothings wrong." Not anything she could help me with. There was no reason for me to tell her. I would not help either of us. She nods "Good. And you are not. I won´t let you." My eyes narrow and my eyebrows knit together. She won´t let me die, would mean she will. I could not let that happen. I tell her that, wanting to shake her just to amplify my statement, but I can´t. The few seconds I had touched her left me shaky.

Not for the reason a lot of people would think. But I had not touched anyone outside of a fight for a long, long time. I can't remember the last time someone had touched me in a friendly situation. The touch felt so alien. So wrong my body wanted to recoil from it.

"You won't let me what? Die?" She asks confused. My answer is short and easy "Yes." She takes a long hard look at me and shakes her head seemingly amused. "You really think you have a choice? How cute." How can she be amused about something like that? How can she even plan something like that? I could not just let her throw one of the only things away that I cared about. "Stop saying that. You know what that would mean." She looks at me her eyes never really looking into mine and shrugs. "I know what it means, but there is no stopping me." She really gave this thought. Her mind was made up and I knew she would not budge. I've tried getting idea's out of her head before, without much success. Though none of those idea's had hurt me as much as this one will. Already did.

"I could stop you." I mumbled. Knowing I could not, but wanting her to respond. Measuring how deep this idea had already rooted. "No you can't." She snapped. Snapping was not good. She was already thinking I was an idiot for trying to change her mind. "I could if I died first." Even though I knew there was no way I was winning this argument, a fire was starting. I had to at least try, didn't I? "You won't." she simply replied. "You never know. Even if you won't let me." I taunt.

"I do know, and what I know is that you won't be dieing anytime soon. Like I said you are not getting a say in this!" This makes it final. This idea has been playing in her mind for a while now. It almost seems impossible how decided she is about this. She must have decided this during the Reaping or even earlier. This saddens me. She had thought out this whole scenario where we'd end up in an arena together. As I was struggling with things that look so petty next to this. I am not sure if it hurts less, but still, it is petty in comparison.

My voice sounds strange, even to me when I admit it. "Because you won't let me. I am sure I will." It sounds so sad and so honest I want to bite off my tongue. Confusion washes over her face. "That doesn't even make sense!" She cries out. "If you know for sure I am not letting you die, how can you be sure you will?" She almost sounds offended. Like I was questioning her ability to keep me alive. Which I wasn't, but she didn't, yet, see the bigger picture. She was missing pieces of information. Vital pieces of information to make the bigger picture.

My answer is simple and explains absolutely nothing. I just repeat the fact that she won't let me. This only seems to make her more confused. "But if I won't let you die. How can you die?" her tone is demanding. This was not something I could avoid by ignoring and asking a counter question. This leaves me two options. Lie or tell her the truth. I am not sure which one will be the best for the both of us. The best for her, that is what really matters. Neither seems to be the right answer to the problem.

If I tell her a lie. She'll know, because she always does. Next to the fact that I am a horrible liar. This would only make her more suspicious of me and I'll need to tell her the truth afterwards. If I would not take that into account, how would I lie about this? It is not an easy slip to correct. It already gives away so much.

If I tell her the truth, how would I tell her? I don't think there is a proper way of doing so. No one to help me figure it out, no where to run to when it goes wrong. There has to be a way out for me. There is always a way out if you're clever enough to find one, my trainer would say. Cato, focus. Where is your way out? You can't lie, but you can't tell her the truth either. What does that leave you? I want to snap my fingers the way I always do when thinking hard, but that would tick her off and again she'd know I was lying to her, unless. Unless I wasn't. That was it! My way out was there all along, very simple. I will tell her the truth, but I do not have to tell her everything.

The only thing I have to do now is find a clever way to put it. Tell her the truth or better said part of the truth so that she won't feel suspicious. Right now I knew I was taking rather long to figure out how I was going to say what. The thing that saved me was my inability to be good with words. I normally took a bit longer to think of how to put my words. This was only normal to me. Though I normally really just thought of the words I was going to use. Not what I was going to tell.

I could she her growing impatient, but just before I was going to say something she snapped at me; "So you are planning on dieing even though I won't let you?" I shake my head denying what she just said. It was a lie, of course. I was planning on dieing even though she would not let me. "So you are just going to die, because I can't keep you alive?" she asks her tone offended again. This time I had my answer ready "No, at least not physically, no." This was what I has come up with and I was okay with this.

Confusion. Why is she confused? That was not supposed to happen. She just had to take it and be at peace with the answer. She was telling me I was acting strange, but she was as well. "How else can you die?" I groaned internally. Now I had to explain this thing I had though up to avoid further questions. Why is nothing working today! It is not fair. We were in the Games, one of us was going to die or even the two of us. If she died I would probably go mental too. And now I had to explain and hurt her even more then she already is.

Suddenly it seems to dawn on me. How despicable these games are. It had to take the live of someone I love to show me this, but it's true. It is so wrong all of this and I willingly helped create it. I volunteered and planned on winning this, making a good show out of it. My whole life led up to this moment. How could I ever have been so naive as to believe this all would be fun. I have no idea. Now it is to late. I am here and I am going to get hurt fatally in these Games I use to worship. All thoughts just fill me with anger. This anger seem to out when I tell Clove to forget it. I know this anger is misdirected, but I can't seem to help it.

Her arms cross over her chest "No, I won't forget it." That was what I was afraid for. I gave her a part of it and now she wanted the rest too. All the parts she can't have and all the parts she deserves. I had made up my mind not to tell her and I was going to stick with that decision no matter how much I wanted to tell her. For once I would follow through on what I promised myself. It was going to be hard. I could feel cracks forming in my resolve already and she had not really tried to get my talking. If that would happen, it would take every last bit of my self control not to tell her.

"I'm not saying anything anymore." I decided out loud. That would help, if I could stick with it. "Yes you are!" she almost shrieks. This had cut her the wrong way. She knew I was holding something back from her. "You started saying it. Now you are finishing it to." At this she glared at me. Why was that making me nervous? She glared at me a lot, back in the District, it was nothing new about that. Just this time seemed so different. It made me feel guilty for some reason. It was like she was pulling an explanation out of me.

"I said everything. I am not saying more, before I say to much. Which I already did." Damn you Cato. You would not say a word, stick with it! "You haven't said anything!" I didn't? I want to ask, but that would sound to satisfied, to relieved. "Yet I have said to much." I repeat. Since I did not seem to have given her anything. She huffs and glares at me some more in silence. After a while she shakes her head and looks at me intently. "This is confusing. I don't care how much you say, just say it!" I feel the cracks grow larger and parts of my resolve are already crumbling. Her eyes stare into mine as if she can find answers there. The look makes me nervous and I cast my eyes down to my hands, forming fists, in my lap.

"You really don't want to say it, do you?" she sighs. I want to tell her that that is not it. That I want to tell her everything and how I hate myself for not being able to tell her. All I utter is: "I can't." Which sums it up, sort of. It leaves out all the things that make it complicated and every reason, but it is the most I can manage without saying all to much. Without choking on my own words. "Why not?" her voice impatient. I sound like a child when I answer "Because. Just Because." There was nothing else I could think of to say, what did not mean explaining everything. "Because. Is not a reason, Cato."

Taking a deep breath I started "Because-" and I choked on my words. What was I going to say? I had not really thought of what I would say, I just relied on the fact that I sometimes had luck with winging it. Every time when I was not around her. "of many reasons." Yes like that is going to work. Today I was worse than ever with words. "Such as?" she supplied.

Well here goes nothing. I think and start to list some of the minor reasons, reasons I use to convince myself telling her is wrong. With every reason my voice raising in desperation. Fists clenching so tight my knuckles start to turn white. "Because it is stupid. Because I can't! Because it is not important!" I swallow back the lump that starts to rise in my throat. I can feel her gaze calmly in my direction, it seemed so unlike her.

"I bet it's not stupid. And you can tell me anything." Where did this come from? I knew she had a caring side, a softer one. Right now she almost seemed motherly. It made it worse. As I looked up at her again the look in her eyes made my chest ache, no ache even more I should say. Whenever I was even near here it seemed like my something in my chest tugged toward her. Every time I resisted until it ached, it physically ached.

"If its not important then why won't you tell me?" Now she was asking a question that would bring her answers. I could not just shake my head and let her draw her own conclusions. "Because it won't do any of us any good." and that was true. Neither of us would really benefit from my confession. She shrugs "We're in the games. I don't think whatever you're gonna say could be that bad. And it doesn't matter if it does any good." Now she was wrong. It won't just not do any good, but it would push her even further away. "Just tell me. Please."

Now how exactly was I going to tell her no? I know this wasn't fair on my side. I should never have said anything. That would have been the smartest thing to do, but then again I was only acting smart. In my mind I tried to recap everything I said, every time I've said to much between now and the Reaping. When I started to list all the things, the ones I had said straight out and the things I had meant but were interpreted differently, I might as well have it written all over my face. That she did not puzzle it together yet was a miracle. The problem was that if I said anymore she would be sure to make the connection.

I had to get out of here. That was the option I could not think of earlier. The escape I needed before. With my mind made up I shake my head faintly, still dazed by the amount of luck I've had. "I'm sorry." I tell her, I really am sorry that I can't tell her. That she is here with me, that she has ever met me. That is when I try to make my escape. I start for the tent exit as fast as I can. If I caught her by surprise she might not be fast enough to stop me. I could escape and take over the watch. It would be a good excuse to just be walking around, not coming near her.

I had no such luck. Before I even made it to the zipper she saw what I was doing and yelled at me "No. Damn it you aren't going anywhere!" I stopped in my tracks. She was being serious, very serious about me telling her. "You can tell me anything. Anything! This can't be that bad." Here was it again. It could not be that bad she had said that before. She was so wrong about this, so incredibly wrong. This time I tell her she is. "Nothing is going to change just because of this! Just tell me!" How can she be even more wrong than she was before. Everything would change. At least for me. I was sure it would change everything for me. "It really can't be that bad." she says again. This time less fierce, she was doubting it now.

I had never been a patient person and now I was about to lose all the bits I had left. I whipped around and pretty much yell back at her "Dammit Clove! Just. Let. It. Go! Okay?" Now I'd done it. She was irritated, with me, with the situation, with the Games. "No! I won't just let it go! When have I ever let it go?" she snapped. Treading me as if I was a stupid, I was being stupid just not the way she thought I was. "Now! Right now you are going to let it go!" I commanded getting up. Even though I stood hunched over I towered over her. I was not sure why I did it. She never has be scared or intimated by me, but maybe this time she would see it as tread. "Before I do something I'll regret later." I muttered more to myself, but she heard. Of course she heard me, she always hears everything she should not. "You know what? Fine. I'll stop talking about it if that's what you really want. I'm not gonna forget it though." and as an after thought she added: "Like what? What are you going to do? Kill me?"

She pushed me away I misstepped and stumbled back a bit. Did she really think that is the worst I could do? That is not even what bothered me most. She really thought I could kill her. I sighed "Worse." I told her. "What would be worse than killing me?" she asked evenly. How she said so calm was mystery to me. I told her that a lot was worse than killing her, but she did not believe me. She never believed me that was a" standard.

I decided to give asking her to forget it one more go. My voice took up a pleading tone. It did not help, she was not going to forget it. That left me with two options, yet again. Try to make a run for it again or beg her. Making a run for it had already proven to useless. Because even though it would be for the best I stayed when she asked me to. That was the only thing I could not deny her.

"Please Clove." I begged "Please just forget it." I was desperate for her to forget about it. "It is better that way. Please just forget." I never begged and I had said I never would, no matter what the situation. But this was a very special case. Still she remembered that day more then four years ago.

_The sun was shining and we had agreed to go swimming after training. It was my birthday, but I had told no one. Never really looking forward to getting older and all the things that came with it. This year I could not really ignore it. I had turned fourteen, which meant I had to change room. Where I grew up zero to six, six to thirteens and thirteen to eighteen slept together. That morning I had cleared my drawer and made my bed for the last time. There was not much to move and before my assigned twenty minutes where over I headed for the door._

_But there were other boys that thought differently. They blocked the door with five and two herded me toward forward. I was surrounded. "Hey, fresh meat are you playing with the big boys now?" he sneered. "No, Janus. I am just sleeping here." He took this surely answer as provocation and waved the other boys forward. "Let's see if he is still talking big when we are trough with him." he growls while a smirk appeared on his pasty face. I felt two sets of hands grab my shoulders. I had always been large, but I was young and I didn't have the training any of these boys had. The first punch hit me in the gut so hard it brought me to my knees. It had knocked all the air out of me leaving me gasping and coughing. One of the guys behind me pulled my head back "Now beg." He commanded. I uttered one word before the beating really began: "Never."_

_I showed up for training bruised and bleeding, but I did not show anything. I would not give them that satisfaction. As we walked toward the lake I told her roughly what happened. Leaving out details that I did not really want to share. She did not push for details I was really glad for that._

I realized the moment I did it what a mistake I had made. This might have been the biggest one yet. Normally my never really meant never. I hoped I would get some sympathy or even understanding with the begging, but it only added fuel to the fire. "I told you, I'm not forgetting. When have you ever seen me give up? And better for who? You or me?" Her voice was even now, she was determent to get an answer. These questions made me think. Who would be off worse? "For the both of us." I decided adding "But especially for you." to the end.

Why for her. I was not sure why it would be worse on her. I just knew. "No matter what you say, you can't do anything worse than killing me." I sighed and made up my mind. "Are you sure?" I asked knowing the answer would be yes before I had asked it. I toke me a couple attempts and some choking sounds, but I got it out.

"Is killing you really worse than loving you? Because I am pretty sure death is easier. It hurts less."


End file.
